Crushsss

Sandy sitting by the window pane on a lonely night, only companions are a coffee mug and random thoughts fueling the feeling of loneliness. usually content and self focused in such nights, but today was different. It could be the after effect of browing too many social networking sites, seeing and liking lovey dovey posts and pictures of her friends which was missing in her life. Not only the pictures, 'love' was missing from her life she thought. after years of courtship, struggle for acceptance and marriage she was anything but happy with her relationship status : dry and rough.

She craved for a heart that could listen to and understand her, care for and respect her for who she is. Well, that is too much to ask for. or may be the basic expectation of a naive girl. whatever. She recalled few crushes: that boy in 3rd standard called Bhudip who had promised her to get a peacock for her, that fair class monitor Surjya with whom she never really interacted but secretly liked, that smartlooking guy Sarthak with whom her friendship ended in just 2 phone calls, one letter and one small meeting. Or that serious goosey-bumpy crush on that grey eyed senior who was actually a dumbo-appearing-smart. Or that colleague who tops the list of crushes who had brought stormy weather in her life. well these crushes keep popping and flashing now and then reminding her what she is missing in life, how love and romance deprieved she is, what had she set out for and where she had landed, can she ever evolve? etc. etc. lingering thoughts, she concludes these 'crushes' were still fine and cool memories, better than being "Crushed" in her marital relationship. Sigh.

Thoughts playing hide n seek in my mind, introspecting and interesting. Agitated by the incidents happening around affecting me directly and indirectly. Unstable and unsettled, heart longs to be heard, to be understood, to be consoled. When I try to extrospect all I find is an ugly face harshly looking at me and trying to instruct me to adjust myself and fit into his dimensions. Dimensions of undue expectations and unfair obligations. Sadly I am unable to relate, comprehend or comply. I have difficulty in doing so, always. I go back to introspect mode once again and get even more frustrated and annoyed this time, my emotions give away and I break down as I am weaker this time.

Then that harsh face gains some more rudeness and content seeing me weak. As expected still tries to pull me down. Deeply annoyed I do not try to explain myself. Then I try to list out all those who understood me better and ur name flashes in my memory. Feel happy for a moment. Then try to search for u, but when found u why did I become more depressed? Is it because u had hurt me even badly? A simple heart longing for little love, respect and understanding .. Where did it go wrong? Ahhh, there you are... The heart was honest. I learn honesty is not the best policy when people around you ate dishonest.